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Women, in, out and upside down in relationships, from beginning to end, are often penalized, persecuted and prostrated at any preponderance of neediness.

We are immediately judged to be desperate and unable to hold ourselves together without going to pieces, while our wants and needs are gutted and illegitimized, and made inconsequential as soon as we display our need to need someone.

Our foolish pride must take a backseat to our humanistic vulnerability to be needy if we ever expect to be treated with respect. That’s what we’ve predetermined for ourselves because people out there in the world tear us down when we’re not strong enough.

Most of all, our poor men, in their all their masculinity and wonder, “aren’t allowed” to be needy. They aren’t allowed to be anything but supremely independent and blank- unreadable, untraceable and unreceptive. And for them to let us to know what’s going on in their minds is the ultimate travesty. A sin of culpability- a disgrace. They aren’t “men” when we can get around and get inside.

Invariably, when things are at a tipping point for men in their relationships, they often clam up and retreat into themselves. And we, their women, are left thinking they don’t give a flying rat’s behind whether we’re dead or alive, when in reality, they are hurting just as bad as we are, if not more, and they need us. And they need to know that we need them as much as they do us.

Then we hurt each other, we leave and we shut people down because letting someone see that we “need” makes us weak.

Consequently, some people are needy to the point that they become unrecognizable (which is usually depicted as the woman), to us and themselves. They become so needy that if they could stand on the street corner with an empty coffee can and ask for donations of pity, pennies and penance, they’d have it- they’d have it all. This type of needy person knows just what buttons to push to get most people to feel sorry for them, EXCEPT THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO THEM MOST- the men they need more than life itself.

Then you’ve got the people who would rather lick the encrusted hot tar out of the grooves inside of a tin bucket than show, even once, that they need someone (in this case men). Their “needs” are always met by being icy, being overly independent and disassociating themselves from the people around them. They alienate others and end up lonely and they wonder what they did wrong- rather than admit they’re too proud to ever BE wrong. AND THEY ARE OFTEN WRONG WHEN BEING RIGHT SHOULD MATTER THE MOST.

BOTH MEN AND WOMEN ARE GUILTY OF THIS.

WE AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE NEEDY. However, if we want love, and we want to keep it, WE NEED THE PEOPLE WE LOVE TO KNOW THAT WE NEED THEM. There’s just no way of getting around that.

And there is a perfect juggle to achieve “needy” equilibrium. That is, the kind of rhythmic drumbeat in sync with our emotions, where we can all feel comfortable and confident that we are not getting shit on and shafted and that we are safe and secure in our need to let the other person see that we possess the capacity to “need”.

Neediness As a Defense Mechanism

People who are truly inherently needy will manifest it in two ways:

1) They will be overly needy- to the point of suffocation.

2) They will pretend to not to need anyone but themselves.

It’s no surprise that both of these methods of stubbornness and instability, intentionally and unintentionally push away the people we want the most in our lives. We drive people away because we are afraid of being left- or we are afraid of leaving ourselves exposed because we’ve done it unsuccessfully in the past. We were shamed and abandoned carelessly- and we are marred and scarred and terrified at the thought of it ever happening again.

The “Overly Needy To the Point of Suffocation” person will call and call, will hang around aimlessly, will declare love 1o minutes after meeting you and will practically keel over and die when you reject them.

While the “Pretend Not to Need Anyone But Themselves” person will declare him or herself, a loner, and a fighter and survivor, and will unintentionally play the victim. They’ve “lived their lives before to please others and got hurt” and now they live strictly for themselves- they need no one to appreciate them, nor anyone to make them feel special and needed.

I don’t think it’s a big surprise to anybody that person #2, the independent needy person, is truthfully, the most needy person of all.

This person feigns being independent, unwilling and immovable to prevent people from seeing what they truly and desperately need- for someone to tend to the deep gaping wounds that were carved out by some other careless unloving person. Someone who has scarred them into the person they feel they have to be in order to get through life without ever having to play the “fool” again.

When and How to Be “Needy”

Despite what people want to believe so that they can rest easy and assured at night, there’s a time, a place and just cause to be “needy”. Just as there are occasions in which we have to surrender ourselves when we’re wrong, when we’re being utterly blind and stupid, and when we’re being the biggest stinkiest a-hole on the entire face of the planet.

However, it’s damned hard to admit you’re wrong, when you’re stupid and when you’ve resigned to being an a-hole. Instead, it’s just easier to hold back, eat crow and let the world “see” that we are as hard and determined and courageous as we think we are. When actually, the people we want to hide from most see right through us and our charade, as though we are an open book with no lines to read between and no underlying clauses to justify our condition.

And the truth is, WHEN WE CAN FACE THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT AND SHOW THAT WE ARE HUMAN AND PRONE TO FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY, VULNERABILITY, AND “HELPLESSNESS” (needy) and be better and inspired because of it- we both consciously and unconsciously allow people to love us more.

People need to feel needed and when you can let yourself be “needy” without losing the grip on yourself or losing your conviction to want to reach out and be loved and validated, you will remove the barriers that are essentially crippling you- the very system you’ve designed that’s leaving you “preserved” and “protected” is leaving you alienated and alone- without any deep understanding and connection to those you want to connect with the most.

Really, I assure you, it’s okay to be needy when:

• You trust in yourself more than you trust in the other person to have your needs met. That the other person DOESN’T hold the key to your vulnerability BECAUSE YOU HOLD IT.

• You trust that the other person is offering you a safety net upon which you can trust them NOT TO PASS YOU OFF AS BEING TOO NEEDY.

• You know that YOU AREN’T NEEDY- just ready and completely capable of identifying with and learning from the other person and to trust them to let them see exactly what it is that you need.

So next time that person you’re trying to get closer to feels as though to lower their flag and surrender their position feels as icky and painful as running their front teeth down a chalkboard, understand that this person has some brick and mortar to chip away surrounding the glass encasing their heart.

They need you more than you can possibly know.